This was my view as I laid in my bath and cried this morning. I woke up feeling like hell. Hell as in many steps back in recovery. My whole body ached. My hands and feet are never warm, but today I also have full body chills. The tension in the neck is very present causing a headache today. My stomach is rolling and I am nauseated. I went to walk the dog and felt that familiar chest pressure and tightness. My gallbladder spasmed several times. I walked around the field where I take my dog alternately crying and yelling at the indignity and frustration of it all.
I still can’t taste or smell. I am exhausted. I sleep in so many clothes and often wake up with the hood of my hoodie pulled tight over my head. I realize I have pre-existing conditions and with the change in the weather they are probably all working against me. I feel like my body is constantly at war with itself. There is often what feels like a low level vibration or rumbling under the skin that I attribute to neuropathy. I am always so cold. I just placed a huge online order for clothes that consists of fleece pullovers and wool socks.
I messaged my doctor on the portal yesterday. I don’t have my neurology appointment with the Covid researcher at Northwestern until April. I was hoping for something – anything. He recommended upping the epilepsy medicine to try and help the breakthrough headache pain. He also recommended trying an antihistamine to see if it clears what might be underlying congestion in my head. He reminded me that long term issues have been widely reported, and there are no real answers at this time. He closed the message with, “I am sorry. I wish there was something I could do.”
It has been 10 weeks since my first Covid symptom. I am fighting to go on with my life. Fighting for patients like myself who need help. Fighting to be heard. However, now we have another surge across the world. The patients who are being seen need emergency care, and my residual symptoms become less important when for many this is a matter of life and death.
I have never felt so helpless in my life.