The Depression

Today is the four week anniversary of my positive Covid-19 test. I really expected to feel better by now. I do feel better, but I don’t feel better. The gnawing headaches that live at the base of my skull burn day and night. Sometimes it is just the burning, ache in my neck and brain stem, and other times it’s shooting balls of fire into my brain.

I want to be better. I have worked for 2.5 years to stabilize my autoimmune diseases. I am hardly a person that wants, or needs, another chronic illness. However, the symptoms are all new and “novel”. The not-migraine headaches. The ache deep in my organs that moves between my kidney and my gallbladder. The breathtaking stomach pains. The lack of taste and smell.

I know I am one of the lucky ones. I survived. I have yet to be hospitalized. I was never on a ventilator. If anything, I defy the public understanding of the disease: no fever and no cough. I count my blessings every day that I GET to lay here with my blinding headache.

My vision is destroyed. I have three old eyeglass prescriptions I’ve dug out of drawers in desperation. None are quite right, and my contacts don’t work either. I haven’t even bothered to contact the eye doctor (“Have you tested positive for Covid-19?”….)

But the weight of it all … with a pandemic, remote schooling, wild fires, RBG 😢. It’s just so heavy. Trying to effectively organize my thoughts is nearly impossible. I can’t tell if this is a post Covid issue, or the state of everyone’s world. I have to make to do lists for everything. I can maybe accomplish 1-2 major things without laying down. I can pluck away on my computer for work, but the screen and my head makes a bad couple.

When does this end?

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